Dementia is taking her

My Nana.

Dementia started out slow. For the last year or so we kept saying she has "early onset dementia". That however is no longer true. It's taking her. For the last 6 months I have done nothing but research as much as I can about it. The signs, what to say, how to say it etc. This past month has been horrible. She wakes up terrified. Papa doesn't get much sleep. He is exhausted. Nana LOOKS like someone who has it. she makes 'the face', she fidgets, she cocks her head to the side. I can tell when it comes and goes. She checks to make sure she has her pink croc shoes on every 10 mins when it is coming and going. She can sit and have a conversation with me one minute and then be vacant the next. I should have prepared myself better. 6 months ago she forgot who I was for about 2 mins. I should have known then what was to come.

My papa

He was never meant to be a caregiver. Bless his heart- he just wasn't born with a patient bone in his body. Nana did the raising, he worked. I have bought him some books to help coach him a bit in how to talk to her, how to give her tasks to do. The words coming out of his mouth says he knows it will only get worse yet he still thinks she will just snap out of it. He used the words "care facility" while I was up there this weekend.

What keeps me up at night

I am so torn with how I feel. She is my nana, my mom, my best friend all in one. I know papa is tired but there are other options. I think we need to get her a friend, a nurse trained for this to help with the eventual transition into a care facility we know she will need to go to once we completely lose her. Will she scream for us at night? will her last memory of us be that we put her in a facility? Will she ever forgive us? This is what keeps me up at night in tears. I know that she will have to be in one eventually. I just hope she doesn't know who we are when that time comes.

She has an appointment with the brain doctor dec. 1st. That will give us an idea of how bad it is. What SUCKS about this- she is AWARE of what is happenning to her and it scares the CRAP out of her. She blames herself, thinks it's her own fault for what is wrong with her.

Even with all of this happenning to her, she still cracks jokes like no other. Still sings along to her lawerence welk shows, can still read my mind and cheer me up on a moments notice. I will miss that when this disease takes over. I will miss her.

For right now I will enjoy the time I have with her while I still get the chance.